Others made me hate my body and how it impacted me

I was reading this article and I started to feel rage:

While I was browsing through Facebook one day, I started to feel rage as certain comments to articles reminded me of how others made me hate my body and myself. I mean really hate myself for what my body looked like. I didn’t want to feel that way but I did.

I will take you back to being 5-year-old. I was thin and considered a beautiful child. In a few days, my whole life changed when I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease which put me on steroids where I gained probably 20-30 pounds that month. I looked like a cabbage patch kid. I don’t have very many pictures from that time as I didn’t want to remember how much I hated my body or life. I felt like a loner and didn’t really connect with anyone. When we would meet our relatives, they would ask “what’s wrong with her?” I would look at the tired faces of my parents as they tried to explain why I had gained weight.

Me before I got sick

What did I learn about myself through the process? “Something is wrong with me and that’s all people see. People judge me on my body.” This belief stayed with me. As a child I never felt good enough for anyone’s. I associated love with people feeling sorry for me.

Then, the disease went away and I had lost weight. All of a sudden I was popular again! I was able to do ‘normal’ things. People stopped feeling sorry for me. The impact of my interactions with others led me to believe the following:

– I won’t get married if a man finds out I ever had a disease

– I won’t get married as a fat person and hopefully I will lose the weight

– people love me more and want to spend time with me when I’m skinny

– people see me for what I look like before they see my personality

– people feel sorry for me

– I should feel sorry for myself because I have had hardships

– I am different than others. I am less than them in someway because I have had this disease

– food was my enemy as whenever I ate it, I gained weight

– I was so angry that I couldn’t eat what other kids ate so I snuck food when no one was looking

– my parents have so much unconditional love for me that they are willing to do anything for me. They are the only ones who have my back

– I have an amazing brother and cousins who would accommodate to include me and make me feel normal. Even if it meant that I got special treatment all the time. I trusted only family and figured friends would leave if I didn’t look a certain way.

Growing up, these thoughts stayed with me and I would starve myself to remain ‘skinny’, then binge in private. I hated eating in front of people because I believed that they were judging me.

One of the reasons, I stayed overweight is because I didn’t want to give into society’s pressure. I wanted also to prove that fat people can do what they love and be successful regardless of their body. It really is about the person, it’s their talents, their heart and their brains that makes them who they are.

I notice people making comments to little girls that they are getting fat or calling them ‘motu’ even in a loving way… how that loving a child when these comments get rooted deep into their psyche? Their confidence is being shattered one comment at a time. So stop it. Weight is an emotional battle with scars you cannot see.

For those who told me that I would be prettiest if I was skinner well I am more beautiful than ever before because beauty is not an outer experience. Beauty is an inner experience. I am still the prettiest because I have beautiful features but it is my heart that radiates my beautiful not my face or body.

We live in a society where women are being judged on their bodies, how they look and what they are wearing. I am fortunate that I have decreased this hatred for my body over the last few years. I know people still judge me that I am fat. Does my body change that I am successful and help people every day despite the fact that I may not look perfect?

Remember, every comment you make and every time you judge someone they feel it. It shatters them on the inside. Be careful with your words and your thoughts. People are more then their bodies. They are their heart and soul.

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My cousin and I at the annual Tka’s Eternal Life hockey tourney (www.tkaseternallife.org)

If you want to connect with me on how I moved through my journey, feel free to connect with me on the contact page.

I knew I was successful but why did I struggle?

It was my birthday and I was in Fiji for a seminar. As I do every year on my birthday, I was looking back at what I had accomplished in the year.

I was stuck. I remember thinking that  I had taken the year off for personal care so I probably haven’t accomplished much. I didn’t have the career accomplishments that I did in my super star years before where I was just rocking it.
I honestly didn’t know what to write. I started wondering if I had a wasted year. Wow a wasted year! What a thought. How could it be a wasted year if I was alive and my heart was beating so how could it be a wasted year? It was amazing to me that I only felt alive through my work accomplishments. I had not been placing value on who I was as a person, the relationships in my life, the love I had for myself and others or how I showed up daily.
I sat there in wonderment off how I perceived life. Life to me was all about career success. Without the career, I felt like a failure. I felt that I had wasted a year because I took a year to take care of my mental and physical health after being burnt out.
In the moment, I decided that success has to look differently for me.
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My galpal Roop and I on the airplane back from Fiji. After my renewed sense of success

Success was in the fact I had invested time into quality relationships. I had fun watching movies with my brother and success was getting to know him better. Success was that I woke up each day grateful.
I changed my terms of success and reclaimed the power back in life to be more balanced instead of being in overdrive in career. My relationship with success changed. I will sharing my new relationship with success on The master class: 3 key obstacles to feeling successful.
I know some of you have a definition for the word for success that is not allowing you to feel success. In the “Success now,” we will dive into your definition of success.
Also, many times we have underlying belief systems that are making us feel a certain way I will give you the tools to uncover your primary belief system that prevents you from moving forward full steam ahead.
Register here for the Success Now to shift you to a new level of success.

3 health tips to reach your 2014 goals

At the beginning of the year, what did you decide that you had wanted for yourself this year?
Did you reach your goals? Are you close?
Well many of have some goals that aren’t just quite what we wanted. Over the next few weeks, I am interviewing some exceptional ladies in the next few weeks that can you support you in your goals.
You still have some time to set yourself right and reach your goals. Taking action is the best way to achieve the results you want.
If you need an extra boost to have rapid progression into meeting your health goals, watch the interview below with The Health Babe – Kamantha Naidoo shares her 3 health tips for your optimal body in this short interview we did.

Register for the event at www.manpreetdhillon.com/manpreethealthbabespecials

Question for the day:
How can I become best friends with my body?

The word “busy” and how it ruined my life further

Burnout. Stressed out. Tired. Fatigue.

All words/conditions we hear way too often these days. People are using the word “busy” like it is breathing. The word has actually started to annoy me a bit as I feel it has a negative connotation now. As if it is a dirty word used to separate people from others, used to void intimacy and  used a wall to protect ones schedule.

I’m a recovering “busy” word user. I admit it. I am ashamed of how I used it to my advantage.

At least I don’t use it now.

My justification for using the word was that I was burnout. I had hit my max of helping others, putting the needs of others first, never thinking about what I wanted and feeling like I always had to say YES.

I felt drained. Tired. I looked and sounded like I was always ready to fall asleep because I was. I was never happy. Always irritable. My body was aching and in pain. I wanted to tell people to screw off when they would ask me to do something but instead I would say yes and do it. I was resentful. I started to use the word “hate” in my vocabulary. It goes on about how I was in a dark place.

What was really going at the root of it all was I didn’t know how to say no, I didn’t know what boundaries were, and I wanted love and acceptance from others.

Yes I said it. I was seeking the love and acceptance from the external instead of discovering it inside myself.

Sigh. I wish I had known how to love myself more, how to say no when I needed to, and how to put myself first before I was physically debilitated.

This burnout and lack of self love led me to 3 years of massive back pain, filled with 7 months of bed rest. It would take me half an hour to go to the bathroom as I had to roll off the couch, crawl on the floor while resting in between because I was in so much pain. Once I got to the toilet, I had to hold on to the toilet bowl to hoist myself up so I could go to the bathroom.

It was a horrible time in my life.

I was depressed. I felt alone. And the love I was seeking from the external….well those very people didn’t even come to visit or check in how I was doing. It was an eye opener as to that love does have to come within. Being a people pleaser  had me wanting to give up on life because the physical pain was unbearable.

Once I started to feel better, after a long road of healing and tens of thousands of dollars invested, I started to use the word “busy” as a way to say no to doing things I didn’t want to. I didn’t just start using the word but I made my schedule extremely jam packed almost as a way to compensate for lost time.

That led to burn out number two which is a whole other story.

What have I learned from all this?

I learned that my health is the most valuable resource I have. It is very true if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.

At the end of the day, there are only certain people who truly will be present in your life unselfishly. There is absolutely no point in seeking external validation from anyone. No one can give you the love that you can give yourself.

I learnt that I can be honest with people that I do have the time and I am not that “busy” but I am protecting that time for myself and to do what fulfills me.

I also realized that I didn’t need to jam pack my schedule. The free time I have is the time I treasure the most so I block that out for myself.

I also learnt that relationships sometimes need to shift so they are in balance. There needs to be some equality in give and take.

These lessons taught me that the word “busy” is that you have alot to do (with time left over to do what you truly want to do).

My question to you is what did you take away from this story? Are there any aspects applying to your life that you are thinking that I need to change?

I would love to hear what changes you will be making so that the word “busy” just means I have some deadlines to meet and that is it.

I would love to invite you to listen to Let Yourself Go webinar which is all about creating freedom so you have more time, energy and money for yourself.