Stop feeling like a second class citizen

This is one of those topics that will spark discussion. I know that it will not resonate with everyone but for some of you it is true. You grew up feeling like a second class citizen. I did too.

Growing up to immigrant parents who were learning English at the same time they were trying to build a new life, they saw and knew what struggle was. They dealt with racism. They dealt with being turned down for jobs because of the color of their skin. They dealt with people not talking to them in stores because my parents couldn’t speak English. They were treated as if they didn’t exist sometimes because they didn’t speak the language. It was a novelty and a wonderment that they had their kids in sports. It was easy to see as a child when the other parents when look at my parents with a sense of wonderment like they had opened the world to something new when they brought their kids to the hockey games or the modeling school as there were no other Indians there. My parents constantly broke down barriers in the community for us as children as they tried to learn what the other families in our neighborhood were doing so the kids can be “normal.” My mom would ask my brother and I:

  • what the other kids had for dinner and how they made it
  • what was their curfew
  • what type of clothes were the other kids wearing

All this so they can help us fit in so we wouldn’t have to deal with what they deal with.

As a child, I always felt we were playing catch up. I had to learn a culture at the same time of learning the curriculum at school. It was a double whammy of trying to navigate through a school where there were very few minorities. Everyone else was having different experiences than I was. I had strict Indian parents who were trying to navigate their own lives in a new country.

I just never felt good enough as the other kids.

I remember thinking how I just wanted to be a “white” kid. They seemed to have life be so easy. They were allowed to wear what they wanted to wear, they had way less rules and their parents had experienced some of the same  curriculum and high school life. The lives of my parents as high school kids and mine seemed so different. At least my parents were able to help me with math even if they weren’t able to help me with the other subjects.

As I moved into my career, I started noticing that there were only a handful of people who looked like me in management roles or in professional roles. If someone had a role that was in any time of leadership position, they had made it somehow. I remember feeling that maybe we were good enough because of the color of our skin again. I remember talking to some of those individuals and asking them how their journey was. The response would be:

  • You have to work twice as hard to get here.
  • You have to prove yourself.
  • I dealt with a lot of racism

One thing I noticed about these men, yes mostly men was that they had developed a thick skin as to what others said about them.

Now to add on the fact that I was a female of color, that meant I had to even work twice as hard as these men. To this day, females of color are the lowest paid (here is an article that talks about those statistics in the US). Still when we see women of color as a partner or in a senior position, there is a level of awe that is associated with it as she has made it. She also had to sacrifice a lot. Many a times (I am generalizing), members of her community will think she acts too western and she doesn’t fit in with people of her own kind or she thinks she is better than the others. This attitude is changing especially in the last ten years but growing up what I saw was that women were ostracized for being success. They were told that at home they still needed act as what was culturally accepted depending on what culture they were brought up in. What a internal struggle for these women then and for many it is now.

diversity_brief_chart5

First you have the challenges of having to balance your own identity at home with the cultural pressures of what you were brought up in where many times the women stayed home and then the cultural pressures at work where you had to prove yourself as that leader and great manager without mentors that had the same struggles as you. There is always a double layered struggle that is there and a sense of having to push all the time.

It is very tiring to feel that you had to prove your worth, your ability and your knowledge. It is tiring to have to push doors open for yourself all the time. It is lonely to be at places where others don’t understand how hard it was to get there. It is physically exhausting to have to balance the act of being the good girl that takes care of the immediate and extended family, the home and all the social activities while striving to move through new ranks in the workplace.

Luckily, we live in an age where there is awareness to these issues. Where there is a deeper level of understanding of diversity and inclusion. We are far from where things are equal but there is movement.

In the meantime, in order to keep your sanity:

  • Have conversations about your daily experiences at work and home with those who can help change the experience. The reasons why females want 50/50 with errands is because they are also contributing to the workplace. They have an additional barrier that they need to work through.
  • Hire immigrants in your workplace and talk about the skills they have to offer not just where are they from.
  • Talk about cultures and cultural practices in the workplace as that creates a deeper level of understanding of how people respond to different management styles and different working styles as well. For instance, in some Asian countries when a manager gives direction you just say yes. Ask people for their opinions as they may still be operating under cultural biases even if they grew up in Canada.
  • As an individual, understand your own working styles and how much cultural bias is impacting your career. Are you blocking your career progression in some way?
  • If you are tired, it is okay. It has been a struggle. In time, you will have the strength and capacity to do all that you want to do. Just give yourself permission to be.

In closing, the second class syndrome is something has existed in many countries like India and Africa. It is time we shed this cultural influence in our lives and understand where you are is where you are meant to be. You deserve to be here and you are worthy. You are worthy of marketing to the mainstream community, you do not have to focus just on one community because they will understand you. Others will understand you too. You have skills and talents to contribute to this world. Allow those to shine now.

For those of you interested in understanding the impact of the cultural biases and are ready to shed them, coaching is an avenue to uncover and clear obstacles while creating the mindset and action plan to move forward with the confident leader that you are. 

How guilt impacts my career

Last week I had to deal with guilt. I had a close cousin’s wedding and I wanted to be there for him throughout the entire week in celebrating this wedding. I had planned on taking time off during this time as I have been really focused on creating better relationships, being present in the lives of others and to be more open to having more authenticity and genuineness in all my relationships. Things don’t always go as planned.

As we neared the week of festivities, I really had to keep aligned to what I wanted to create in relationships. I had to say no to a few meeting requests while I debated on what decision I made for others. As I was in the decision making process, I felt the guilt creeping in. The guilt of being brought up in a culture where family comes first. Where women don’t focus on their careers but they focus on the home especially when it comes to times of weddings. I also felt guilt as I had to gauge whether it was my love for being a workaholic coming through or was it important to me to be present with these meetings. I felt like I was failing in being the good Indian women because I wanted to attend these meetings while also wanting to be present with the family for the festivities. There was this deep internal conflict that had arisen in me about what I should do and what my duty was.

I decided to go to the first meeting. In order to have balance, I went early to the wedding home, drove to my meeting and went back to the wedding. I added an additional two hours of driving to my day but I felt so happy that I was able to do both. At this first meeting, it became clear of why I had the internal conflict.

There was a conversation with this lady who told me of this young girl who has great promise but she is constantly holding herself back because the other’s around her are not supportive of her passion of contributing to the community. In that moment, I realized how lucky I was that I surround myself with individuals who are super supportive of what I want to contribute and will support me in making decisions that allow it to be easier for me to do that. My cousin who was getting married was one of these individuals. When I told him I had a meeting, instead of making me feel guilty for leaving all he said was “I am proud of you.” That was it. When I had come back from the meeting, he kept asking me how it all went even though it was his day.

This entire interaction reminded me of a few things:

* Our cultural practices influence our decisions. It is important to be aware of the cultural pressures and how they are influencing what contribution you want to make to the world

* There are times when family comes first and there are times where we need to find balance between contribution and family.

*When we are aligned and fulfilling our purpose, other’s will support us. They will be happy for us. There may be others who disagreed with my decision to attend the meeting but I knew in my heart, I made the right decision to attend this meeting where I was being voted on as an executive for a board (a meeting I could not miss and is aligned with my greater purpose).

*The guilt will be present. I still feel guilty but I realized my pattern is to sacrifice what I want in life for what I think is right by other people’s standards. I need to focus on what was right for me which included driving an extra two hours so I can keep aligned to my goals of being present for my family as well.

*Surround yourself with individuals who will support you and be honest with you. There was one meeting that my mom questioned if I really needed to attend and she was right, I didn’t. So I cancelled it. I needed her support but I needed her honesty as well.

So saying this, some questions for reflection:

*What cultural influences do you live with?

*Who are you surrounding yourself with?

*If you didn’t have guilt or fear, what would you do?

If you are looking to establish a plan and a strategy for your next steps, feel free to email me on how I can support you in recognizing the limiting beliefs, the action plan and what you need to overcome so you can have the life you want too.

5 things I learned as an adult child living at home

It was circumstance and it was cultural that I lived with my parents until my mid-30s. What a blessing it really was to be able to live with them for this long. Yes there were times that I just needed to have my own space, or wanted my own “freedom” but along the way I learned a few things.
1. We can be best friends. My parents are two of my best friends. We have great conversations, we have fun, we laugh, we cry, and we really understand each other at the core. We love each other unconditionally and want to spend time together, create memories and have adventures. Does the parent-child relationship come into play sometimes? Yes of course. It comes into play at times where we have cultural clashes and have differing perspectives on a situation because of our upbringing and the societies we grew up in.
2. Valuing boundaries and personal space. Growing up my mom found my diary which I found a violation of my privacy. After a discussion of what  were each of our limits, what we wanted to share and what the protocol was for entering each other other’s bedrooms in my teenage years, the boundaries have been respected. This was such an important lesson as this lesson has played out in all my relationships of trying to understand other people’s needs.
3. I have Peter Pan Syndrome. As an adult child living at home, I never had to grow up or take real responsibility. I always did exactly what my heart desires which is what my parents always urged but there comes a Ime where budgeting, romantic relationships, investing, managing the household should have been included in my routine/life. I am fortunate that the Peter Pan Syndrome won’t leave my life as it helps me to stay youthful and keep having fun even while I add in “adult” responsibilities.
4. There is safety in staying single. Living in my parent’s home, meant it was easier to enjoy love my single life as I didn’t feel the need for a companion. I had people I could hang out with, I always had someone to talk to but my mom doesn’t like to cuddle so much:) I stayed single longer than I really would have liked to because I was comfortable. I felt safe that I didn’t have to open my heart to the emotions of a relationship.
5. I never worried about money. Money grew on trees for me. I had the philosophy what was theirs was mine. Mine was mine. Ouch, totally not fair to them. I thought I repaid them in love and my time but I came to realize I am not royalty where my presence is termed precious and cherished:) Learning the lesson that they did what did for me because they loved me unconditionally allowed me to contribute to the rest of the world unconditionally too.
What are the lessons you learned from your parents? Share your comments below!
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