The High Price of Indecision

We’ve all dealt with indecision at some point in our lives, especially in a work environment.

The trouble is, indecision comes with a really high price.

Being in limbo, without a clear decision to move forward keeps you stuck, unable to move forward… and yet, it can be really easy to wallow in a pool of decisions left unmade. 

So WHY is it so difficult to make decisions?

Because thinking for ourselves, and making decisions for ourselves is confronting.

It’s so much easier to allow others to make the rules and tell us what to do. Our cultural and family biases often program us to search for and cling to the approval we receive in following the rules. We’ get really used to following the “leader” and doing things correctly. Rarely are we rewarded for making independent decisions and paving our own path. Making independent decisions comes with the potential for embarrassment, failure or some form of punishment.

Religion is a perfect example of this: a lot of people look to other individuals (such as religious leaders) to make decisions for them, rather than making those decisions themselves. Being in a passive role like this may seem easier at first, but is actually quite detrimental to happiness and personal development if it keeps you from from moving forward with confidence.

How can you be happy and confident your actions if you’re never encouraged to choose what creates happiness for you?

That lack of self-assurance translates into your leadership. Specifically, it diminishes your ability to make confident decisions and of course, your colleagues or team members will feel it too. 

When you’re unable to make confident decisions on your own, it undermines and manifests low confidence in every aspect of your life, and other people will pick up on it as well.

People need decisiveness in their managers and business partners.

An assertive, decisive attitude shows that you have confidence in your abilities as well as your choices. It instantly amps up your credibility and trustworthiness.

Indecisiveness, on the other hand, detracts from your credibility, and limits your ability to attract the leadership and partnership opportunities you want most.

So where does indecision stem from?

One of the main contributing factors is analysis paralysis. This  happens when you overthink every aspect and consequence of every possible decision that can be made. It’s like a game of chess in which a player sees hundreds of moves ahead with any play they make, and as such, they have a very tough time making a move at all.

This kind of downward spiral won’t just affect you personally. It will also impact your business, your colleagues and your employees too.

When you spend so much time overthinking things, you waste a lot of time and often don’t come to any decision at all.  Your paralysis keeps everyone else stuck and frustrated in turn, and opportunities pass you and your organization by.

Solid analysis is important before making a choice so your decision is a well-informed one; however, at some point you have to stop analyzing and commit to some direction so you can move forward. At some point you have to cut off all the other options, make a choice and understand that this decision will lead you in the right direction, trusting that this will open up doors for you.

It’s also possible that the direction you choose won’t be the ideal one. You may have to course correct. 

What’s most important is that you take SOME action regardless of what it is.

At times you do have to just make a decision, put plans into action and allow momentum to inform you of what to do next.

So often we’re looking for clarity so that we can make a decision and yet it’s making the decision and that actually creates clarity.

In a situation like this, where you’ve made a decision but soon after it doesn’t feel like the “right” one for you, it’s really important to listen to those feelings and trust your gut instinct. If you can’t trust your own intuition you’ll want to turn to someone you do trust for guidance and reassurance, whether that’s your Guides, or an established Mentor or Life coach, or a your Mastermind partners.

This isn’t a time to ask colleagues or family members about their opinion.  They’re likely to offer biased advice instead of the objective, impartial feedback you’re after.  With colleagues, in particular, you also run the risk of undermining how they view and listen to you in future situations. Sometimes (with less supportive or understanding colleagues) asking for advice to course correct  previous decision can be seen as abdicating personal responsibility or displaying lack of self confidence. These aren’t traits you want to cultivate when in a position of leadership so it’s best to play it safe by asking for advice in a very safe space.

Avoiding this predicament is one of the reasons it’s so crucial to have a coach or mentor to turn to. They can provide a great sounding board for you to work through your decisions while allowing you the space to justify your actions to yourself without judgment or potential backlash. They’re just there to listen.

More importantly, working through your decisions or the consequences that follow with a mentor or coach is like a practice run that makes it easier for you to  justify decision to others when needed.

Finally, when it comes to indecision, the most important thing to keep in mind is that every single decisions is an opportunity to learn and grow. Decisions can always be reversed or course corrected along the way if needed: nothing is really set in stone.

Should you find that you’ve made the “wrong” decision in a given situation, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Forgive yourself, and then move towards the direction that feels more aligned.  

Remember that once you’re in motion, it’s easy to change direction: it’s taking the first step forward that’s the most difficult.

It’s the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide.

This is a special workbook I’ve created for our community (for free) to help you review your year and set intentional goals for the year to come. The first section is all about capturing this year’s accomplishments so I highly recommend downloading it if you’re wanting to talk new salary (or new role) in 2018.

 Download your copy of the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide here

p.s. After you grab your copy be sure to join us over in our  private Facebook Community  where we’ll be completing the workbook together and masterminding to create a game plan to magnetize your dream career (with the salary to match) in 2018.

The Number ONE Leadership Skill Most Women Ignore

Many women have been taught to believe that only by behaving in a masculine manner, mirroring the behavior of the men in power around them, can they move up the ranks in leadership roles. We’re told that it’s a man’s world, and only by emulating their postures, their mannerisms, their speech patterns, can we be respected and valued in positions of power and rank.

Once women attain these ranks, however, negative responses such as double standards and name-calling set in. A woman may have attained her position by behaving like a man, but when she actually acts like her male counterparts, then she’s called a bitch. If she shows emotion, then she’s a weak little girl. As such, she can’t be trusted to negotiate with others because she might start to cry instead of standing her ground and radiating power.

We’ve grown so accustomed to the ruling patriarchy, to the masculine power that has ruled both nations and corporate boardroom tables, that we’ve been inundated by the idea that channeling said masculinity is the only way to achieve our workplace goals.

The truth, however, is quite the opposite.

Some of the strongest women in positions of corporate power are those who, instead of trying to forge a masculine path, have instead channeled their feminine power to achieve greatness.

There’s an incredible leadership skill that most women have repressed and been taught to ignore, but it’s that very skill that can be our greatest asset: our intuition.

Tapping Into The Feminine Power of Intuition

There is immense strength in women’s natural abilities, and drawing from innate feminine power can be the most important thing a woman does to attain success in her chosen career path.

Women are naturally intuitive, and a woman’s ability to both read nonverbal cues and empathically tune into other people’s emotions creates an incredible advantage when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

These are specialized skills that many men lack. By attempting to channel only masculine energy, women can sabotage their own goals instead of fast-tracking towards success.

Statistics have shown that when a woman is on a board—even just one woman—the revenues of a company will increase by 35 percent. This is because a woman can go into a negotiation room and find a compromise that works well for both parties. She can understand the values of either party, can work with them so that their positions benefit each other, and create a solution that would serve both parties equally.

Feminine intuition can also be used to visualize what kind of sales strategies above and beyond what have already been considered should be used to exceed projected revenues.

When a woman taps into her innate intuition, she can not only see the vision for the company itself, but uses that vision intuition to see which steps are needed to manifest it into reality.

She can see which types of strategic partnerships will work best for the company, and her natural strength in respecting others and negotiating for the greatest common good means that she can cultivate great rapport with everyone involved. This is ideal for long-term partnerships, as people prefer to work with those whom they trust—those who take the time to understand and respect them.

Many men are strong, powerful leaders, but they fall flat at the negotiation table. This is because many of them use aggression and strength instead of the far more effective feminine skills such as diplomacy, compromise, and negotiation. In a word: “intuition”.

Embrace Feminine Intuition and Energy in All Aspects of Life

Women often do themselves a massive disservice by channeling masculine energy instead of tapping into their feminine power.

This isn’t to say that masculine energy is at all negative, or should be avoided at all costs. Far from it. Male energy is incredibly powerful, but should merely be used when the right situations call for it, such as when focused action is required.

For example, a burst of masculine energy can help to kick-start the action needed when you need initiative to meet a specific goal. When you’re ambitious, and you have a set goal, that male energy can help to launch the initiative and set things in motion. It is active energy, rather than passive, and can be used to great effect to balance feminine power.

Think of the yin-yang symbol, and how true balance is achieved when either energy source has a small amount of the other integrated within it. Though we can, and should, draw the majority of our power from our feminine energy, we can also draw from the male energy that exists within us when we need it.

Many women who are in very powerful leadership roles know how to use small amounts of that masculine energy to help them achieve their goals, to make the difference they want to make in the world, but they also know that it’s their feminine energy that will help them to maintain said power.

It’s the feminine leadership qualities such as relationship building, and how to think strategically, that are immensely valued. They not only increase productivity, but encourage and inspire others, and help all involved to work as a dynamic team.

Home and Community Life, Mirrored in the Workplace

The same techniques that a woman uses to maintain balance and harmony in the home can be channeled into leadership in a workplace environment.

An ideal leader is one who recognizes their greatest abilities, and then delegates other tasks to those who are best suited to them. This also ensures that the leader gets the support they need, while also keeping others happy doing tasks that they can excel at.

Women also tend to be natural organizers, so they can harness their energy to create a schedule that all can adhere to, which ensures that team goals are met, and projects are completed on time.

Consider the intuition, relationship cultivation, and delegation that women may use with their children, in parent-teacher associations, in neighbourhood projects, and in spiritual community outreach programs. These are invaluable skills that most people take for granted or even dismiss, instead of acknowledging and celebrating as crucial when it comes to cultivating long-term, successful working relationships.

Assigning tasks several neighbors and organizing a calendar to ensure that a community project runs smoothly is really no different from delegating tasks to a team in a Fortune 500 company. It’s merely a different environment, or a larger scale, but the intuition, the skills, are exactly the same.

Women are born with these abilities, and it’s by acknowledging them, cultivating them, and celebrating them, that she can—and will—achieve her dreams.

When a woman taps into her feminine power, whether in her home life, her community, or in a corporate environment, she can truly move mountains.

***

If you’re ready to step into your feminine power to magnetize bigger leadership opportunities  for  2018, I have a special gift to send your way…

It’s the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide.

This is a special workbook I’ve created for our community (for free) to help you review your year and set intentional goals for the year to come by tapping into your innate feminine leadership skills. I highly recommend downloading it!

Download your copy of the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide here

p.s. After you grab your copy be sure to join us over in our private Facebook Community where we’ll be completing the workbook together and masterminding to create a game plan to magnetize your dream career in 2018.

How To Ask For What You’re Worth And Get It

It’s really easy to obsess over your compensation package.

I know SO many women who continuously stress and strive for a bigger salary and more prestigious title, rarely stopping to even appreciate each successful promotion.

Really, it’s no surprise.

We’ve been raised by our parents and communities to believe that our paycheque is a reflection of our value. That what we’re paid is an indication of our worth.

That line of thinking is really damaging because ultimately it means that what we’re paid becomes our source of self-worth.

No wonder there’s a push to earn more and more. Even if the roles pursued aren’t fulfilling.

Here’s the thing, I’m all for shattering the glass ceiling and seeing more and more women rise in leadership and pay grade, especially women of colour, but first, I want you to know the truth.

The truth is…  whatever you’re being paid right now… is not the place to define your self-worth.

Divinely you are worthy of far more than you could ever ask for.

Your worthiness is inherent in your essence and your very being.

With that understood, asking for what you’re “worth”, in the context of your career, really boils down to the VALUE you offer to your employer.

Your value is measured by your demonstrable skills, talents, experience, and education AND your ability to bring them forward and present them in a way that makes it clear to your manager that you are an asset to the organization.

When you can communicate your value with ease and confidence it’s really simple to ask for the raise or promotion you know you deserve and hear, “YES!”

Here how I coach my clients to ask for what they’re worth and get it:

Build Up Your Worthiness Mindset

Last week I talked a lot about mindset. I shared how certain mindset shifts helped me land my dream role at the United Nations .

Well guess what… Mindset is at the heart of asking for your raise or promotion too.

The mindset that’s required when you’re asking for more money or a new role is to approach the situation with the full body understanding that your paycheque does not to equate to and cannot diminish your worth.

You’re worthy because of who you are and you are capable of receiving as much money as you desire because you are a powerful creator.

When you walk into the room with this knowing, it changes the conversation.

You lead the conversation from a place of confidence and strength because you KNOW you’re capable and deserving of any amount of money you ask for…and you KNOW that the Divine / Universe / Source will bring you whatever you desire, be it in  your current role, or in one far better than you could ever imagine.  

Compare Your Job Description vs. Your Actual Role

In the age of cutbacks and downsizing,  it’s very rare to find yourself doing only the tasks and duties that are outlined on your official job description. Quite often you’re doing 5 different jobs under one title and not being properly compensated for it. The good news is, this is a really easy way to showcase the added value you bring to the table simply by walking into the room prepared with comparative roles and salaries.

Do the research and compare your current job description alongside the job description of the role that you’re “really doing”. Dig up as much salary information as you can find too.  Share salaries from similar roles, in similar industries and even in other industries as well. Don’t be afraid to present job descriptions and salaries for the role that’s one promotion or pay grade up from where you are currently to show where you desire to grow.

When it’s in black and white it becomes a lot easier for your manager to agree that it’s time to adjust your salary accordingly.

Show Your Work

In addition to outlining your actual role, you’ll also want to show your value through compiling a list of achievements and contributions you’ve made to the organization in the last year or since your last raise. Create that list, review it to boost your confidence, and bring it to the table.

Being able to confidently show and say, “These are the contributions I’ve made” demonstrates your value beyond far your ability to do the work you’re assigned.

It allows you to create some leverage here and leverage is key in negotiations.

Always Talk About The Bottom Line

At the end of the day, companies are in business to make money — even when they’re  not-for-profit

When you’re reviewing your list of accomplishments be sure to talk in terms of the bottom line as often as you can. You’ll want to show how you’re driving sales, acquisitions or assets for the company or how you’re increasing resources.

If you’re in a position where you don’t directly impact the bottom line or sales, in an admin or a human resources role perhaps, you can share where you were able to save the company money instead.

Share examples that demonstrate how you’ve contributed to the improvement of workflow, used resources more effectively, and how you helped make the lives easier of those who are in sales or revenue producing roles. That’s just as important since it contributes to healthy profits.

Schedule a Time to Talk About Your Raise

Rather than springing a salary discussion on your boss, it’s really important to set a time and day to discuss your compensation with the appropriate person whether it be your hiring manager, Human Resources etc.

You want it to be clear that you’re opening a dialogue to talk about salary and you want them to be in the right mindset to have that kind of conversation.

It can feel confronting but you need to be  transparent about your desire to negotiate salary in order to create the kind of outcome you’re hoping for.  When your manager is also prepared to have this conversation, it puts you in a place of power. You can be totally open and upfront and your manager will expect you to be.

Take Control Of The Conversation

Being the one to request the conversation, you’re also in a place to lead the conversation if you choose…and it’s wise to do so.

Take control of the conversation by being the first to when you enter the room. Thank your manager for taking the time to review your compensation package and let him or her know that you’ve pulled together a package to review together.  Present your case and allow her to provide their feedback but do not allow her to control the conversation.

When you’ve stated the facts and your requested salary, close the conversation by asking for immediate feedback if that’s appropriate or a clear date of decision.

You want to make it clear that you’re expecting a decision or decision date at the end.

Be Ready For Objections

To effectively control the flow of conversation you’ll also want to prepare for any objections beforehand.

Think of all the possible reasons your raise or promotion might be declined and come up with a counter point.  

Here are a few to get started….

If they say, “Well there’s no room in the company budget.”

Prepare notes prior to the meeting on ways you can increase funds for the company or department. Or, consider countering with benefits that aren’t directly related to salary such as personal development days, money, vacation time or days off.

If they say, “That no one else is getting a raise.”

This might be an opportunity to discuss the timing of your last raise if it’s been a while. You’ll also want to  explore your performance over this period of time to demonstrate where you’ve performed over and above your colleagues and therefore deserve unique opportunities. Again, you might wish to consider or suggest  non-salary benefit like extra training.

Follow-up, Follow-up, Follow-up

Once you’ve wrapped up your presentation, ask for a decision within a certain timeframe. Then, let your manager know, you’ll be following up within a week and that you look forward to a positive result from the conversation. Close the conversation immediately afterwards by thanking your manager for his or her time and walking out of the room with confidence.

Be sure you follow up in a week as promised… or even better, as soon as you walk out of the room, schedule a follow-up meeting so they have it on their calendar as well.

One Last Thing…

If you’re a ball of nerves either right before you head into the conversation, the best place focus is that list of accomplishments you’ve created to help you really own the fact you that you are an asset and deserve to be compensated accordingly.

I also shared a few more tips recently right here

Remember! You have a lot to offer and your list of accomplishments (along with your cumulative list of degrees and career achievements) is proof that you have contributed so much already so go ahead and create that list!

Now is actually a  great time to recall and capture your accomplishments throughout the year if you haven’t been keeping track.

To help you get crystal clear on the value you brought to your organization in 2017 and to begin setting your career goals for 2018 I have a special gift to send your way…

It’s the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide.

This is a special workbook I’ve created for our community (for free) to help you review your year and set intentional goals for the year to come. The first section is all about capturing this year’s accomplishments so I highly recommend downloading it if you’re wanting to talk new salary (or new role) in 2018.

 Download your copy of the Veza 2018 Goal Setting Intention Guide here

p.s. After you grab your copy be sure to join us over in our  private Facebook Community  where we’ll be completing the workbook together and masterminding to create a game plan to magnetize your dream career (with the salary to match) in 2018.

May these resources guide you to ask for what you’re worth and get it! Enjoy!

5 Mindset Shifts That Landed Me My Dream Role Working At The United Nations

In the span of a few short weeks I’ve sold my condo in Vancouver, released my freelance projects, and launched a brand new life in the Netherlands developing strategic HR initiatives at the United Nations.

Yes. Really.

Blows my mind too.

As fast as it’s all happened, it’s actually something that I’ve imagined myself doing for years…

Working abroad and making an impact globally is among my top career priorities. I’ve volunteered in Botswana and India over the years for this reason and I don’t recall a time in my life NOT envisioning myself working or being involved with the U.N. one day, in some way.

For some, this might seem really bold… because everyone knows you don’t just stroll up to a career fair at the Hague and chat up a hiring manager to “get in”.

In that respect, I suppose that deciding I could land a dream role at the U.N. is a rather bold.

The thing is, I’ve landed many dream jobs and golden opportunities over the years  and I’ve witnessed colleagues plus supported clients to do the same.

We aren’t the lucky ones or chosen few by any means, but we do share a few traits in common, the most important, in my opinion, being our mindset.

Your mindset, the general beliefs and assumptions you hold, are critical in determining how quickly you can magnetize dream roles and “big breaks” in your career.

Here are 5 mindset shifts that helped me land my dream role working at the U.N. to help you land your dream role too:

Mindset Shift #1: Let your heart lead the way NOT your head

We’re taught, through the education system, to continually intellectualize or think logically with our hearts to make every single decision. I’ve stopped doing that. Long ago I learned that the most unexpected, magical opportunities are revealed only when I let my heart lead the way.  Most times, when I make a decision my head is all, “Nah! Nope! WTF? What are you DOING, Manpreet?!” and my heart is going, “Hell YES! Let’s do this.”

Accepting this role at the United Nations, a prestigious, though unpaid role, meant I had to leave everyone and everything I’ve established in Vancouver behind and it made zero sense in my head or on paper. Why start fresh and without a cushy salary?

My extended family was really puzzled that I’d go live by myself in a foreign country. Some Aunties actually called my parents to express concern. A few friends kept warning I was making a huge financial mistake by selling my downtown condo in a skyrocketing market.

However, saying yes to this opportunity just felt right. In my heart I know it’s my net step AND in stepping in, I’ve already been guided to new consulting projects and taken on several new private coaching clients too. My business is growing because I’m growing.

I’m not surprised though. My heart always knows the way.

Mindset Shift #2: Share your dreams don’t keep them secret

There’s a real tendency, especially when your dream is really bold and out there, to want to keep it private. Most people are afraid of being judged in that, “Who does she think she is to dream that big???” sort of way.

My mindset is quite different. In fact, my opportunity with the U.N. unfolded directly because I told a friend, very vulnerably and passionately that I wanted to work here.

I didn’t expect anything to come from sharing about my dream role only to find out that one of her best friends works here already. Immediately, she connected us (simply to talk about my resume and how I could tailor it to land a role one day) and a few months later I’m here.

The saying is true— It really is about who you know but that only works if you’re willing to be open about what you really want. Sharing your goals and dreams with the right people, people who you know want to help and see you succeed,  opens the most beautiful doors. Be willing to share your dreams.

If you don’t have a safe space to do that, you can always join us over in the Veza Community on Facebook.

Mindset Shift #3: Know your worth but don’t be all about the money

Taking a volunteer role at the U.N. was really easy for me. Truthfully, even though I really intended to work here one day, I didn’t think I was ready for a paid position.

This is me being 100% straight up here and not downplaying my value— I’m absolutely aware of my worth and know there are hundreds of amazing roles I’m capable of landing if I wanted to and yet I know I need a different set of skills to be offered a paid role at the U.N.

There are many who would make that mean something about them or make it be a reason they can’t have a career in a field they really want. For me, this is no big deal. It’s part of the leadership journey and I’m willing to learn and do what it takes to be able to land any role I choose.

Including working without direct monetary compensation, (for now).

The thing is… my coaching business is now flourishing and now I’m gaining the skills I need doing work I love. It feels like, I’m receiving the most invaluable hands on training and connections I could ever ask for.

None of this would be possible if I simply believed I wasn’t good enough now or ever, or if I was attached to how this opportunity reflected in my bank account.

It’s important to remember your salary doesn’t mean anything about your worth and to be open to being compensated in other ways when it makes sense to do so. FYI this isn’t an invitation to work for free just anywhere to gain experience. This needs to be done really strategically.

Mindset Shift #4: Play in your zone of genius, don’t be a Jill of all trades

This mindset shift  is newer to me. It’s one I really committed and has been pivotal in landing my new role.

You see, when I initially connected with my friend’s friend at the U.N. He was really impressed by my resume, but he also gave me some sage advice. It was something I knew, and recommended to others, but was kind of ignoring in my own career.

Over the years my career has had a really split focus comprised of experience in both marketing and HR. I’ve enjoyed a succession of really great roles in both areas but he told me it was time choose the one I wanted to move forward in as an expert.

Why?

Because top organizations in the world, whether they’re public or private sector, they want the best. They want experts.

They get to choose from among the brightest minds in the world and they don’t need a Jack or Jill of all trades. They don’t need someone who can do everything (because really that doesn’t exist!).

Hearing this forced me to draw the line in the sand, and it’s another reason I chose to volunteer. I’m developing HR strategy and leadership programs for the United Nations where I’m honing my expertise in that realm.

The cool thing is, I’ve started to apply the zone of genius principle in  my coaching and consulting business too.

Making this transition and now devoting 40 hours per week to my role here, means that I can’t continue to be the Jill of all trades in my business like I have the tendency to. I had to bring on the team members who are experts in their fields so that I could stay in my zone in the time that I do have available on evenings and weekends. I want to use those to deliver private coaching sessions and programs, not creating social media graphics (which I suck at by the way!).

It’s a new mindset shift and a stretch sometimes… but I’m seeing so much open up for me already. Choosing to specialize and narrow your focus to your own zone of genius opens doors your mind could never imagine. Organizations choose experts first.

Mindset Shift #5: Ask for and receive for support… don’t go it alone. 

The final mindset I want to share, and another I continue to embrace now that I’m here, is asking for and receiving support.

Hiring a team and being in a new, unfamiliar role, means I continually have to ask for and receive support, and this doesn’t come that naturally to me. I’m fiercely independent and really great at offering support before asking and receiving it myself.

Which is funny, because my career and business always grow when I allow myself to be supported. Duh!

I’m intentionally working on this while I’m here in the Netherlands. Not just in my business or at work either.

I’m in a new country where I don’t know anyone. It could be really easy to lean into my independence but instead I’m actively cultivating my support system. During my first week here I’ve made the first move to spark new friendships and  begin to find my tribe. I’m no longer willing to go it alone in all areas of my life.

I’m reminded, daily, that navigating any new experience or unchartered journey is much easier and enjoyable  when you are supported.

With this in mind, I’m really excited to share a special resource the team and I are putting together to support YOU! We’re adding the finishing touches on as we speak.

Later this week we’ll be releasing a brand new (free!) Goal Setting Guide to help you explore some of the mindset shifts, leadership qualities and communication skills you need to cultivate to magnetize your dream role in 2018.

Its going to help you dig really deep and create a plan for the year to come so keep a look out. I’ll share it first in our Veza Community on Facebook so be sure to join us there if you’ve not a member.

In the meantime, I’d love to know, 2 things:

  1. what does your dream role look like?
  2.  What mindset shifts do you think you need to make to have it manifest in 2018?

Post a comment below and let me know! I promise to read and respond to each one.

Why are we still allowing sexual abuse to occur

Last night I was reading an article by James Dobson on “Why my family doesn’t do sleepovers?” and it sparked a rage inside me again of why this type of abuse is happening. The statistics that I have heard are 1 out of 4 women have been sexually abused while 1 out of 6 men. This might not even be accurate as many cases go unreported where the speculation is that the numbers are really 1 out of 2 women and 1 out of 4 men. This is astonishing.

The impact that this has on society and how these individuals function in relationships impacts the larger community. Over the years, I have heard and seen so many of these stories unfold of how adult survivors are impacted by their innocence being taken away. As I delved deeper into my coaching practice, I started to see patterns and behaviours of survivors. In my own research of the impacts on survivors of sexual abuse include

  • Guilt, shame, and blame. You might feel guilty about not having been able to stop the abuse, or even blame yourself if you experienced physical pleasure. It is important for you to understand that it was the person that hurt you that should be held accountable—not you.
  • Self-esteem. You may struggle with low self-esteem, which can be a result of the negative messages you received from your abuser(s), and from having your personal safety violated or ignored. Low self-esteem can affect many different areas of your life such as your relationships, your career, and even your health.
  • Intimacy and relationships. It’s possible that your first experiences with sex came as a result of sexual abuse. As an adult, intimacy might be a struggle at times. Some survivors experience flashbacks or painful memories while engaging in sexual activity, even though it is consensual and on their own terms. Survivors may also struggle to set boundaries that help them feel safe in relationships. Source.
  • Questioning their sexuality. I have also seen where people question their own sexuality based on their childhood experiences.

In working with survivors who have already gone through the counselling, forgiveness of self and have the awareness of the impacts, I am fortunate as I am able to support them through to building the life they want. It breaks my heart everytime though that they think something is wrong with them but it isn’t. Someone felt powerless in their own life (usually the predator is a victim of sexual abuse themselves) that they needed to take the power away from someone else. In some cases, the predator doesn’t understand what is going on in their body especially when they are teenagers because they are not taught boundaries or have had their boundaries violated. The predator will act on impulse. This cycle of abuse needs to end. It is wrong. It is damaging people and societies. It needs to stop.

What is the solution then? We can’t monitor our children 24/7 but we can

  • teach our children about their bodies
  • we can listen to our child’s intuition and if they say they don’t want to be near someone then honor it. Children are clear channels and are really good about reading people’s energies.
  • teach our children not to keep secrets from their parents
  • have high self esteem as the adults so the children mirror that high self esteem
  • Through example through the child they have a voice and their voice is honored. Listen to them, explain things to them and discipline through explanation and showcasing positive behaviour.
  • If you know someone is being abused or has been abused, go with them to get them the support they need. Many times people will numb themselves through self-destructive behaviour, food, alcohol, drugs. They need to be loved unconditionally and they need to trust again. It is a long journey of self-love, feeling worthy and feeling powerful and they will need all the support they can get.

Together, we can change this in society. As adults and parents we need to live in our purpose, our passions, and be happy and confident. This behaviour will then be an example for the children around us. They will have the confidence to honor their bodies, value themselves and say no with the fierceness it is needed. Teaching them a good kick in the private parts if ever needed (because predators can be male or female) is never a bad thing either. Ps. I don’t really don’t condone violence but I am enraged by this topic so teach them the confidence and self-worth.

Why am I not doing what I want to?

At some point, we may ask ourselves – Why am I not doing what I want to?

We know what we want, we know how to get there but we don’t do what we know we need to do. We may be
-too busy
-tired
-sick
-there is too much going on
-the time isn’t right
-I am not ready yet
-it’s the other person’s fault
-fill in your reason here.
Our mind can find us a million reasons why we are not doing what we want to do.

Resistance shows up in different ways. We are maybe just too busy and stressed to have a few hours for a coffee date, networking event or even for ourselves. When we are feeling overwhelmed, stressed or too busy is really the time when we need to go within ourselves and ask what am I really avoiding right now? What connection am I avoiding? What emotion am I feeling?

This may not feel so good anymore…. here are a few questions to help move out of resistance.

What is it that you really want to do?

What would be the ideal conditions for you to do what you really want to do? Make a list or images of these conditions.

Being honest with yourself, now assess this list or image for what is really necessary and what isn’t.

Now write down one thing that you can do today towards your goal. Yes just one thing.

Once you have done it, how does it feel to have taken that step towards your goal? How do your reasons feel now?

What is another step you can take tomorrow?

It is very important to have compassion for yourself as you are moving towards your goals. It is also important to recognize the support you have or the type of support you may need right now. Sometimes it is a simple act of nurturing yourself through going for a walk, taking a bath or getting a massage. Other times, you may need some energy work that will help to shift some patterns. Sometimes we need a longer term relationship with a mentor/coach that we can have as our support and allow us to be accountable to our goals.

Honor yourself by asking yourself what is it that your soul is really asking for at this time.
Namaste.

Just “Be”

One of the clearest messages that we receive each day is to just “be.” We hear this through sayings such as ‘love yourself,’ ‘be kind to yourself,’ ‘accept yourself as you are’ among others.

People love us more when we are just being. The more we accept ourselves, the more others are able to accept us. The unconditional love that we have for ourselves and from source is all we really need to just be.

So what does it mean to just be…well it is really just being you. Take a deep breath, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself – “I want to just be, what does that mean to me?” Allow the answers to flow through and then act on them.

Now that you are just being, what else do you want to create?